Secret fears

As I prepare for labor, there are a few fears I have to keep beating down.  The first has to do with my general safety. 

My doctor would really like me to have a saline block in my vein so that if something goes wrong he can quickly get me  hooked up to an IV.  I’m not planning on having one, however, because I don’t want the added discomfort from the needle while I’m laboring.  I’m happy with this decision….most of the time.  I know that pregnancy isn’t a sickness, and I don’t want to treat it as one.  I also don’t want to live my life constantly preparing for the worst case scenario.  I’ve tried to keep this pregnancy as intervention-free as possible, and I’d like to do the same for the labor.  Every once in a while, though, the little doubts and fears creep in.  What if I hemorrhage?  What if I need an emergency c-section?  What if….?

The second fear is that baby girl will be born with Down Syndrome.  Having a close family member with Down’s and being on the very cusp of “advanced maternal age” has made me fearful.  My very selfish reason for being afraid is that I look forward to someday being able to travel with hubby sans children.  Having a child with Down’s would mean that there would never be a time “sans children.” 

These are my secret, selfish fears.

I’ve been working through Isaiah ever so slowly and finally came to one of my all-time favorite passages today (Isaiah 41).  In it, I was reminded who exactly in in control of my life and who will help me through every situation in life.

“So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (vs. 10)

and later:

“For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
Do not be afraid…”(vs. 13&14)

Those verses have meant so much to me over the years, because I am often tempted to worry and be afraid.  It’s so comforting to know that no matter what happens — easy delivery or not, healthy child or challenged, God will be there with me, holding my hand.

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~ by NinjaPrincess on March 9, 2010.

4 Responses to “Secret fears”

  1. Have you heard of the Seeds Family worship cds? They take scripture and turn it into songs… I love them! In the Seeds of Courage CD they have that Isaiah passage. As soon as I read your post, the song popped into my head. You should check it out… you could listen to it during labor. 🙂

    Thanks for sharing your fears so honestly with us. And for sharing how you are working through these fears. I too struggle with fear with this pregnancy.

  2. I had that second Isaiah verse on my computer at work when pregnant with Nick and having morning sickness!!! It’s one of MY very favorites too!

    You already know where i stand on these matters, but my only word of caution is to be careful when you have a pendulum that swings far in one direction, it usually swings the other way just as far until it slows to a happy medium (Let’s call that place ‘moderation’) I am proud of you that you are working through your fears – esp. when it comes to the lives of your children!!!

  3. I will be your praying doula :o)

    Keep us posted.

    May God bless you and your precious family through this time of transition and joy.

  4. Well Ninja Princess, I love you to death for posting this. Very honest and real. We are probably going to have one more, and I’m 35 and have all those same fears.

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